A Tale of two Millionaires: How I found Salvation on the Palouse

    Pullman and the Palouse was where the hardiness of my soul was tested, the real truth is the kyle that was the old me, the kyle that was self entitled and godless was staked somewhere between a mile marker and a snowbank. Like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and continuing to pound til it's tough to dislodge was my stubborn ego attempting to find the 'super fit' in a scene that wasn't for me. I never felt the connection around those I met at parties like the one I felt around people of faith. God had to take me through alot in order to arrive at that point. Over a period of several months every physical item of sentimental value had departed from me. Every little thing I turned to instead of God was plucked or snatched as if God himself was literally slapping my hand each time it reached too far inside the cookie jar. I never got my cookies and it's probably a good thing I did not. I started feeling sorry for myself, my attitude had become calloused and bitter, my roommates seemed to grow distant from me, I turned to alcohol and hookah every night after a long day to cope with my financial situation. I started avoiding the bars altogether. I was like a sojourner in a barren land, waking up every day and biking to work with khakis rolled up past the knee, white long underwear underneath and black socks extending halfway up. I threw on my starbucks sweatshirt, blue beanie, grabbed my iphone and with the bumpin beats permeating my system, hit the steep hill next to my house, flew down at breakneck speed with the view of campus before me, sometimes in a driving rain or snowstorm and pedaled the 7 miles to moscow  to work. In hindsight I feel like a fool, doing what I did. I had lost my license, lost my car and a good deal of many other things. Yet, I think the motivation driving me forward was that I was going to overcome all of this adversity on my own strength, like the "Rocky theme" of training in snow to kick the big, brutal Russians ass. This was me being a 'badass', yet that right there was my fatal flaw, I had too much pride to come back home, my battered ego had suffered enough. I had failed before multiple times here. I was going to 'fight back' whatever means available to me and right at this moment I still had a bike and a job, I could pay for my re-instatement fee soon and attend classes on campus in the fall, pay off my court fee's for negligent driving, save for a car, I just had to endure the harsh winter and spring. My heart was so focused on doing it 'my way' though. I wanted to come back and tell everyone the great story of my accomplishments, biking over a sheet of ice, rainstorms, harsh terrain, sometimes even into intense wind and thunderstorms yet always making it through. Humility was not something that was on my mind, or a virtue I was well acquainted with for that matter. I never once thought it was God bringing against me this strong adversity, I looked to shakespearean motivational theme's to get me through like "the seeds of adversity carry with them the greater of equivalent of something better" and my old Grandpa's saying "keep on keepin on, the best is yet to be".

    I knew God was real I had felt his presence before, yet I avoided it strongly. Once when I finally had a day off this girl I met at WSU invited me to a campfire at 'the cliffs' or so they were called. I called up my buddy nate wendt  and we picked up my other old friend chris sterling, who I knew from the year before, chris we found off greek row on the way, he was drunk and appeared lost. He rolled out with us and I casually tossed him a 6 pack. "Where are we going again? Nate reiterated. "The cliffs, wherever the hell that is" I said taking another big pull of my 40. Apparently it was 30 miles outside pullman, we both had the darnest time finding it, when we eventually did, I got out feeling a good buzz going on. I stumbled out and stretched "well, we're here boys..wheres the alcohol?" "You don't need any more alcohol" Nate said as we started climbing the rocks, beginning our steep ascent up the cliffs in the general direction of a flickering fire. when we finally arrived, we found a group of people singing around a fire. "What the hell is this" I said "Where's the keg of beer, skinny dippers and music?" Apparently we had stumbled upon a church group, someone came up expressing dissatisfaction in our inebriated estate. "Why are you drunk?" he said looking at me, surprised at the direct question I replied "Why arent you drunk? Are you guys all sober, singing koom by yah hymns here or whats the occasion?" Long story short it was not a good impression, the girl I met was not impressed, we hung out later and things turned around after a fire and night of star watching, yet soon after things went south. I tried to make amends even going as far as buying a bouquet of flowers with a 5 dollar starbucks gift card attatched with a note left at her door. For some reason even that wasn't enough it was like every 'potential' relationship with a member of the opposite sex blew up in my face with a resounding 'kaboom', and many times it was unfortunate circumstances not entirely my fault, either way I was feeling similar to comedian Dane Cook in  "Good Luck Chuck". Every girl he encountered ended up leaving soon after because of a hex placed on him in middle school. On one particular occasion he agree's to hook up with a continent of a woman just to rid himself of the curse, she was a warmth in the winter and shade in the summer, had bad acne and was generally all-around unpleasant  "you can sink this soldier all you want" his best friend tells him "if this was the last woman on the face of the planet humanity would come to a screeching halt" I wasn't quite to this level of desperation but the thought it didn't work for him either, after hooking up with a 'planet' with Jupiter's big spot blemishes didn't give me any warm feelings. At the end of the movie he changes his selfish ways and finds the culprit, his voodoo doll, and the woman who placed the hex on him removes the needle. This of course was all after a typical romantic hollywood chick flick ending with him paying thousands of dollars to stop a flight to australia with her on board, professes his undying love to her, wins her heart, swoops her off her very feet and him and Jessica Alba are happy ever after. This was not my fairy tale ending mind you, I wish I had the redeeming element of a fairy tale ending with Jessica Alba in it. Nevertheless, that's pretty much the movie summarized in a nutshell. Long story short, things never worked out for me on the relationship field and my friends could attest to it.

  Around February I picked up a second job at Fireside bar and grille in Pullman, which I worked on the weekends. The lady I questioned about an opening, well she hired me on the spot. Their bartender had just been fired and they were badly in need of servers. I was only to happy to fill the void. It started out great I was making over a hundred dollars a night in tips on some occassions and biking to Moscow to work my other job at the starbucks on Monday-Thursdays. I mean sometimes it was hard it got cold at night on the palouse in february and march and many times I worried about a BUI (biking under the influence) heading back to the house I lived in. The view was killer though, which is one of the reasons I stayed for so long. I only paid 325 in rent, there was a hot tub and firepit, a great view of campus, when I first found the place my eyes were like saucers, I visualized a snippet of heaven. "Summer College parties, flowing booze, girls in bikini's in and out of the hot tub a fire pit as well all with an amazing view of campus below to boot. There was cheap rent, a scenic trail to bike, this is great success I thought. None of these idea's I had in my head worked out and the voodoo curse/hex placed on me involving girls I strongly believe was a real thing. Now you kind of get a mental picture of where I'm at, besides getting scammed for everything I owned which I talked about in an earlier blog, that was quite possibly the most embarrassing thing I have ever been associated with and just thinking about it makes me wince. But God had his reasons and it humbled me. 


      Things continued to get worse:

   It was in May that I learned a family was moving in and we all had to be out of the house, soon after all my roommates in the upper two floors had departed and I was the lone tenant downstairs, I was left with many items I had no desire to keep, for one a snake kit, I'm not sure if a prior roommate had a python for a pet or what the deal was, but soon I started heaving things that would burn to the firepit. The rest consisting of random debris and kitchen utensils I placed in giant bags. The garbage had been cut off and I started walking down the street with the full trash cans and was promptly wrote a ticket for placing them in a dumpster that wasn't mine. Are you kidding me? I thought. My blankets and sleeping bag was sprayed on by a cat, these I kept in the closet because I could not for the life of me get the smell out I took them all outside and hosed them down with vinigar and water, and left them to dry, returned to work and someone had stolen them all. "Whatever" I mused, at least I have my mattress and some furniture. On a day off I went to Re-max and explained my situation, I was in shad shape couldn't afford to move out, had no license and was left with a good deal of stuff I did not want. He just replied "Well, we need you out, find a way to deal with your situation, and we noticed you have a broken screen door panel,we investigated as to the cause of this and found evidence, you're roommates said your head went through it one time and we want you to replace that the cost is $700" I gasped, surely they would find out, my head did indeed go through one of the panels as I was talking to my roommate and looking over my shoulder I walked into the door, he had just left prior and did not leave it open, so imagine my surprise, the other roommates heard the crash and came down to investigate. I scraped all the glass out and was left with a single panel it was virtually unnoticeable that a panel was missing until a roommate was contacted by RE-MAX about it. This is just events that no longer surprised me, things were getting so bad for me. Well I couldn't pay it. And I had 2 days to be out. I texted my friend Guy that I was up shit creek without an oar and needed help. He texted back: "E-mail Matt, he saved my life and he can help you, he's my best friend, I love the guy, be at bucer's cafe at 6 am tomorrow though for bible study"...bible study? I mused, huh, maybe that's what I need a bible study anyway. I got up the next morning and overslept past 6 I was feeling tired and moody, I didnt have work that day so I got on my bike and started toward Moscow to meet this "Matt Becker" guy. The sun was beginning to rise over the hills of the Palouse, the air was cool, crisp and refreshing, it was a beautiful morning, my cares seemed to be gone in the light of this splendor I was seeing in front of me. I knew I was late and it would take me 30 minutes to reach Moscow on bike so I said a quick prayer, "God if I'm met to meet Matt, please allow him to be there, allow some reason to delay him so I can talk" I arrived at Bucers late and asked the barista there making coffee if she knew a "Matt Becker", "Yes of course" she replied "He's right outside now" He was a middle aged man with red hair and a beard, I went up and inquired if his name was Matt Becker. Sure enough it was him, he told me that he usually he wasn't here this late but for some reason this morning he got caught up in conversation with telling this man sitting across from him about Jesus and was delayed. "Huh, I thought" God must have heard me. 

    Matt told me we could meet the next morning though as he had things to do, I then went to starbucks bought an iced Americano and reading a book on world religions. Someone soon came up to me and said he noticed my book and inquired as to what I was reading.  I explained that I was reading about Islam and how they pray to every God even Jesus himself when they pray. He then explained he's been going to this bible study at Bucer's led my a Matt Becker, I said "that's crazy,I just talked to him 15 minutes ago" He then elaborated on the type of people that come to this bible study, many of them either had drug issues, recovering alcoholics or convicts with felonies, and Matt put them all to work and gave them jobs. Matt pretty much owned half the town and was one of the most self effacing people I'd ever heard of. I showed up the next morning to bible study waking up at my room in Pullman at 5 am and hitting the Palouse trail. After the bible study I looked out and Matt was directing these people to jobs and giving them paychecks and selflessly serving them in a way I've never seen before, it stunned me,  Guy who I texted soon after showed up at Bucer's, now how I met Guy Russel was an interesting story of its own of which I can briefly elaborate on.

   I was still biking 15 miles a day to work in march and getting scammed out of my mind around march when I met this intriguing figure. He was an enigmatic character who could make you laugh, smile or shake your head just by being around him. He was a prior millionaire who now found himself serving tables in a small eastern WA college town after losing millions of dollars, it humbled him to an extent he'll tell you the same thing, life is for learning, he's had 2 DUI's and messed things up on a galactic scale, lost friends and family had to bike to work in freezing Utah winters, he knew what it was like to have it all then lose it all. I love the guy and glad I met him. But I've learned from this and his 9/11 cataclysmic experiences. His friend Matt Becker was a born again christian who saved his life. Things got so bad for him at one point he was suicidal, living in a car he could not afford payments for, multiple people told him "You have to meet Matt", so instead he went out to meet this guy "Matt Becker" who I emailed recently about work, he had this motto under his return email "we exist to bring the awesome life if Christ to a lost and broken world" this is the same guy that just gave him a car for free so he could drive that once lived that same high-roller life as him acting like a prick. He'd find me on the trail from time to time and pull in, throw my bike in and give me a ride to work which was always nice.. Circumstances change you and affect you these people and stories are lessons that show me no matter how far you climb you can be brought down even further than you realized.  I'm now contemplating a new way to go about life. It takes waking up and smelling the coffee to realize what your decisions in life have cost you and others. There's a reason I've been cruelly manipulated, I've done the same to others, close friends and family even, I wasn't a prick, I cared about people I just didn't give any heed to the consequences of my actions or how to help others. I lost thousands but Guy Russel has a far more intriguing story, he's lost millions, once lived a carefree lifestyle, full of drugs, booze, cheap tricks, sloots and lots of risks. I mean he'd tell you stories of barrel rolling a plane across the pacific in the cockpit of a plane of 20 people after doing cocaine lines, then landing that same plane forgetting to put the landing gear down and setting the entire runway on fire with screaming people on bored and getting away with it all, also being apprehended and after passing out behind the wheel of a truck with his kid in the car and a news crew to arrest him upon waking up, this same person married into a wealthy family, there were so many noteworthy people at the wedding he didn't even invite his own mother to his wedding because there were so many famous people there, he obliterated bridges of almost everyone that cared for him all in the pursuit of money. The warning signs were there but just like me he didn't take heed. Now he drives a creaky dilapidated blazer that Matt gave him and was in a car 6 months ago ready to blow his brains out if Matt hadn't saved his life. Look where this pursuit of the pot has gotten us I explained, were both train wrecks in a small college town apartment separated from friends and family with nothing. The door kicked in, we could be taken for everything we own which is nothing. Everything we had has been reduced to 0. Then there is Matt Becker who owns half the town and has bible studies every morning at Bucers bringing in kids with criminal records and severe problems and giving them jobs, his self less behavior changes lives but he also owns half the city. He makes 3500 a month and gives it all away to these kids but it always comes back. Some things I've learned are successful people make quick moves, own their mistakes and if you want to be happy and successful also care about people around them. I wanna be like Matt.

   With that background of these two men's lives, one who was once a selfish prick, owner of a big time company in Denver, encountered adversity and heartbreak after his wife cheated on him, and came back to his hometown of Moscow, as a broken and bitter man, he was sitting in a chair at Bucer's cafe one day when in walked this 90 evangelist named Jim Wilson who handed him a pamphlet, Jim's 2 sons were both well know Pastors, his oldest Doug is well noted for his preaching and has written several books. Matt was dyslexic and couldn't read all of a sudden was able to read the whole pamphlet, setting it down, he was convinced and was saved that day and never once looked back, now he always had drive and charisma but what he lacked was humility and grace, after reading the pamphlet he went out and started changing everything about his life, started a company called "Revival construction" and started helping the poor people in the town find work. Now what was so compelling about Mass was his personality he was just aglow and loved helping these kids, after I lost everything save a sleeping bag he looked at me and said that's great, I give away everything all the time and it's wonderful. I asked him "what gives you this kind of joy and constant energy?" He said "The Holy Spirit, it's crazy when you actually do God's work the joy you have, many Americans and churches don't live out the great commission of looking after the poor and others in need and they wonder why they are not happy"

   Soon after meeting matt he got me in contact with Jim Wilson, the 90 year old evangelist who saved his soul. This guy was a fossil, he had bad knees and moved around on a walker, yet his intellect was as sharp as a tact. I sat down out on the porch and as I was introduced he asked me how old I was, then a series of questioned me about my life style "How's your mouth?", "my mouth?" I replied, he then opened the bible and turned to an exact page, he knew this bible like the back of his hand and pointed to a verse and mentioned the ways of the world and their behavior. He then asked if my behavior modeled this outline: Drunkeness, slandering, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions.."Not exactly" I replied "I've been around people who model this behavior quite frequently" "No", he pointed a finger at me then gazed at me intently, I felt as though he was peering into my very soul. I stirred uncomfortably in my chair. "I don't mesh with those people, I mean I don't feel connected with them if that's what you mean, I've always felt empty around them like there is something missing and there within that cant satisfy" We went on and talked for awhile. I was riveted the whole time by his life story, there was something very compelling about him, as he got up to leave I asked him "Did you feel a connection? Or was that just me?" He then said "Could be God, He might be working here" Later that day him and Matt talked and they both agreed they weren't sure "yep, could be saved" They both said.

    There was this girl I met around this time who struggled with demonic attacks and poltergeist type of scars were apparent all over her body, we were talkin about demons and angels and the like when she said she just saw a figure move behind me, he was a little boy with black oval eyes, I turned around and of course saw nothing  but my hands soon after became clammy and cold ,which is a sign on paranormal activity. "I always see things before I get attacked, but now I'm fine its quite odd, as soon as she left I heard her scream and came back, to see scratch marks on her arm."It's bizarre" she said, had never seen anything like it, "they don't like your energy" she replied. "Maybe I'm just protected" I said, soon after she looked into my eye and said she saw a white figure standing beside me, I knew she wasn't lying, based on stories she's told me I came to the conclusion she was clairvoyant, and could see that others co to couldn't. This was all just part of God's plan I believe to strengthen my faith.

    Back to my current situation at hand though, soon after meeting Matt at Bucers Cafe I found myself couch surfing at Guy's apartment with what furniture I had all piled up outside the apartment. The entire apartment complex was owned by Matt, he managed a good deal of property and owned pretty much half the town. I got on at Smoky Mountain Pizza as a server soon after and was biking the trail through the Idaho campus to both jobs. I was fired at fireside restaurant in May, the reasons were vague and basically I was told I was not being a 'team player' I did a fine job of working my own tables though, they were cutting labor for the summer when all the students went home and I got the axe, this once again was another 'hammer blow' to my pride. I remember meeting Kevin down at 'my office' bar and grille in one of the most awkward encounters of my life, Kevin was a friend of mine I basically said "Does the fact were here mean I'm fired?" He kind of looked at me and said "Yes, I was hoping to ease into this realization after buying a couple beers but I can't lie" Guy came soon after to meet us and I broke the news, he tried to laugh it off explaining how many jobs he'd lost by simply 'screwin off' and not caring, how his buddy sat 5 years in prison for him, taking the fall for them illegally distributing ecstacy, none of this did much to ease my sentient however and I still recall Kevin grabbing the 3rd of fourth pitcher he bought and refilling my glass as I was sitting there fighting back tears of emotion.   I have been to 'my office' twice, both occasions were not memorable, the  the first was when the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl after throwing an interception on the 1 yard line and we all stumbled home and downed a fifth the second was when I was fired. Looking back on my Fireside experience and being let go I see it as a blessing in disguise, I didn't care that much, I was in back downing coffee and laughing at Guy's jokes, not really taking the job seriously as I should have. Now the whole reason I was even hired was because Guy's friend Matt Becker who I would later meet at Bucers happened to be at Fireside and was talking about Jesus to the bartender who publicly mocked God and him, saying he was an atheist, Matt looked right at him and said "I wouldn't do that if I was you, God isn't mocked" The next day that same bartender who mocked Matt and God himself came in trippin' off some drug and followed one of the waitresses into the bathroom and was promptly fired, I showed up hours later and they hired me. So I can see that it was God opening the door there just so I could meet Guy and subsequently Matt who changed my life. 

    However soon after moving to the apartment I quit attending the bible studies. I was told my Jim and Matt that God was moving toward me and if I ignored that persuasion things could get worse..well they got worse, I was struck by a car on my bike and had a hard fall about a week prior that gave me a swollen eye and scraped up a good part of my face. I was using a borrowed bike to get around town. And soon after the bike chain snapped in half in the middle of an intersection for no apparent reason. I walked back to the Palouse bike shop and asked for my dad's old bike back, I was soon after walking across town in all black work clothes in the sweltering heat just to get to work, my old bike had a bent fork in it and was virtually un-serviceable. Soon after I was playing mario kart and as I was sitting on top of the glass frame of my coffee table, which happened to be the last piece of furniture I owned, and my ass went right through it as I got blue shelled right before the finish line, the events happened simultaneously as if the digital and the physical reality hit me hard.  At the end of the month Guy and me had to be out of the apartment, I knew I couldn't move what items I had left via UHaul because I had no license and no where else to go.I lost everything I had in storage, I put all my bags of clothes outside, pitched chairs in the dumpster, some lady noticed me heaving heavy items of value away and called salvation army, asked if she could have any of it? I said please take it all, here you want a thousand dollar tempurpedic mattress? She then started crying and said I have 4 kids and am getting evicted today, I cant afford anything, that item is worth more than I've ever had in life. The salvation army just came and picked up your stuff, you really helped people today. I smiled and said good, I prayed a few hours before that I could help people, it was amazing how quickly it was received.I had to be out of the apartment today. Soon after I realized I didn't even have a broom to sweep the apartment, I mean I literally had nothing. I was a block from my empty apartment heading for the chevron in search of a broom soon after I heard a honk and saw Matt say "jump in"  sent to one of his houses, "College kids always leave things "there's your broom" he said " "oh apples to apples I better snag this to play with my daughter" upon opening the freezer "huh, otter pops, here take 2" looking at the rooms "huh, tempurpedic, nice mattress, better donate that to the hope center" I just donated a tempurpedic I replied "did you really? Well good for you, you're learning" next thing I knew I was standing outside my apartment with s broom and 2 otter pops stunned at the events that just transpired. I mean this guy owns at least half the town, what is going on. I realized left my phone in his truck however and soon after Guy show's up in his squeaky dilapidated blazer. Soon after we were hauling a dresser out of the apartment Guy was about to heave it off the rails before looking at me and saying lets take this down ourselves, "I just know I'd crush the ol' lady downstairns in a wheelchair right as she rolls out and we'd have a homocide on our hands", I laughed out loud at this, "Oh I can already see it happening, with our luck" 

   Soon after I jumped in the blazer and with eerily screeching brakes headed for the bank, I'm not going to Zions bank, I already owe them a couple million he said, we stopped at the bank only to find the doors had just locked. "Let's hit the drive thru they might be open" "Hell no", he replied, I cant be seen with this rig" I found it interesting how the prior affluent party boy could not lower himself to be seen in this car. But that was just Guy, he had his struggles and life was hard for both of us now. Soon after we found Matt, he looks at me and says "I don't know how we found Matt, but now you can get your phone" Walking up to him, Matt was his usual self, parked outside a house in his F-150 with an open laptop looking up and greeting us with a smile handing me my phone as well. "I just put a deal together for a good sum of money he says" "How much?" Guy replied "About 27 million net cash" "27 million Guy whistled incredulously "I just talked to that same guy in order to finalize that deal and he said GTFO, how did you pull that off?" "Matt just smiled back and "Jesus, that's all" Now Guy was a mormon and considered himself a christian but Matt straight up will tell him he is going to hell if he continues to believe in that. "We need a place to crash" Guy said, motioning to an upper room "You can grab a blanket and crash there, I'm renovating that house" Guy and me walked upstairs to scope it out and I see Guy pacing the sawdust covered floor and mumbling under his breath "no, no, no, this will never do" Upon exiting the house we found Matt still there yelling out his window now "I have a camper if you need it Guy!, on my moms lawn 2 campers actually! I can put both of you up for free" but Guy's pride was far too great he couldn't stay there. We soon after left and Guy seemed to be losing his mind a bit, "27 million" he kept muttering under his breath as if the money captivated his senses entirely, robbing him of all good reasoning skills. ave "Do you have any cocaine?" He asked "Or do you know of anyone who does?" "I can get hook you up with one phone call I replied, "I won't do any lines but if you want some hash", "no, no, he said, let's grab some beer" We went back to a now vacant empty apartment, and Guy was now on the phone trying to work something out, "I'll be right back" he replied, soon after I heard the blazer start up I rummaged around for a blanket and instead found a bath towel and soon after passed out on the floor. I woke up to a girl who looked a little past her prime, strung out and lit, "must have picked her up at the bar" I mused and soon after hit the towel that was my pillow again. I woke up again an hour later and noticed it was getting dark, her and Guy were both gone now, walking into the bathroom I noticed an open bottle of Jim Bean and fought the urge to take a large pull. I hadn't drank a lick of liquor in days, I tossed my hookah stand in the dumpster, I was going thorough purge of my things I figured tI could do without it and my lungs could use a brake, well I was missing it now as I found myself wandering aimlessly through an empty apartment. I decided to shoot Matt an e'mail "Hey you around?" The reply was immediate "Yes come to revival construction building" Now Matt built a patio outside this building, he strung christmas lights across the patio and planted some small vegetation as well as played music at night, it was a very relaxing setting, and at times over this last month, when I was bored I would waunder off to this patio to ease my mind, sometimes Matt would be there, other times Guy, still others I knew from Bible study or workers for Matt I'd see hanging around from time to time, it was kind of like I was getting to know a new family and I liked it. 

   I found Matt outside with his wife and as soon as I got near him I felt at ease, it was the same feeling I got when I looked into the elder Jim Wilson's eyes, a peaceful sense of well being, one I couldn't explain. I sat down and waited for Matt to finish talking to one of his workers to explain how Guy was losing his marbles a bit, to which he just laughed "oh guy? did he go pick up a sleeze whore from the bars, did he turn to his 3 vices: drugs, alcohol, women, to deal with the pain of missing that deal? "Everything you said just transpired" I said. "Guy was in my wedding Matt said, he's a great character has a good heart, a great sense of humor even but he's attached to his idols, he's a stubborn foolish man. He doesn't understand how I can be so emotionally un attatched to the outcome when it comes to money, that 27 million, if I land the deal? I'll give it alll away and the Lord knows that, that's why I have so much joy, I don't care and he doesnt understand that, he's greedy" He asked how much stuff I had total, like a box and a bag, "well let's go get it" he ran an extension cord out, worked the outside shower secured the bed, gave me some snacks and said that's your place for a week have a nice night. Next thing you know I'm now laying in a camper trailor now after Matt put me there I asked him what I owed him for it "Your crazy he said, I invest in souls, see you at bible study tomorrow"

   The next day Guy showed up to bible study and asked me why I always listen to Matt and not him now, "you think Matt's the only one that cares about you, yeah, I get it, swim away from the drowning swimmer, I get it" "It's not like that I replied, everything I've done over the last few months has been for myself, I didn't care about people unless they first cared about me or had something to offer, but here's Matt who gives away almost everything to these poor people who do nothing in return for him and the money always come's back, you see, we talk about religion alot, we can talk about it alot, but dyslexic Matt can barely ad or write is uneducated and yet owns half the town, there is something to him that breeds success, he's humble, he's caring and I wanna be like him." I knew Guy wanted to help me but did'nt know how, he took me to the book store wanted me to buy think and grow rich, and I put it down before leaving, he said "that was only 5 bucks, it could change your life", "I don't want to think and grow rich" I said " I want to think and help others grow rich, I'm trying a different way" "Okay" He just said, right after I tipped the pizza guy 5 bucks for a 15 dollar pizza "trying a different way I get it. 

 TO BE CONTINUED...

    

How I got scammed out of my entire life savings by Nigerians

    As the images surface, his virtue descends. His lips now begin to tremble as his eyes well up with unbridled emotion...The once sterling resolve he had imposed upon so many of those around now begins to falter. His mind seems to be racing, racing with words, words he struggled to articulate..

You must understand its all gone...

   As I reflect on the financial ruin and horrible culpability that has compromised my wealth I am left with nothing but yet another of life's hard lessons to be learned, it can be unrelenting in its vicious onslaught. Some memories are too embarrassing to reflect on, others too painful. Yet I believe it is those who are the most transparent and honest with themselves and others, the ones most willing to divulge their deepest and darkest secrets combined with their most embarrassing flaws that are far more respected than others who hide being a façade of lies, cunning manipulation and gross insecurity. In the immortal words of Sir Walter Scott: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive"

   After the Oklahoma debacle, an adventure that consisted of peril, high risk and high reward finally ended in success I could now concentrate on paying bills and surviving. I had paid off my last over due rent bill, having now overcome the looming threat of eviction. I fought hard to keep my place, I biked 15 miles a day to work in inclement weather, many times in the snow and ice, however the weather was finally starting to get warmer. The barren cold slopes of the Palouse were now beginning to germinate with new life. Spring was in the air. Things were finally now just getting better, that ever illusive light at the end of the tunnel was for the first time being glimpsed

...And then it went to hell on a stick

  I had saved up a little extra cash finally and purchased a PS3 online. Apparently there was now a PS4 out now, I had no idea, I guess I had been living under a rock for too long. A good deal for the playstation was secured and soon after I found myself wasting several hours revamping and building up my Washington State and Seattle Seahawk football rosters, analyzing abilities such as vision, strength, speed acceleration, ball security and quickness, that were categorized into a rating system followed by nervously waiting and hoping they bring their fake talents to my fake team in a digital reality. I woke up one morning and realized this is ridiculous..If I'm going to game I thought, I'd rather spend it with actual people and friends instead of wasting all my time in a digital world. I decided toinstead purchase a wii so that way when friends came I could play Mario kart or smash bros. Something entertaining and fun that involved socializing with actual people where I didn't feel like I was wasting my life or having deju' vu flashbacks to middle school where we were all bleary eyed playing halo and age of empires, surrounded by friends and cousins, game consuls, empty pizza boxes, mountain dew bottles and BO.

   I organized my PS3 neatly on my coffee table snapped a photo and posted an add on craigslist for it. I was proud and surprised at myself that I actually had something of value in life enough to sell online. I was finally selling, instead of losing and getting sold out. The next morning I received a text message from a "Clarke Wilson" with interest in my PS3 item. He said his niece was studying abroad and he wanted to send it to her as a gift. As this was a local craigslist listing ad in a college town I thought nothing of it and didn't raise so much as an eyebrow. I was new to selling things online and knew close to nothing about the cunning, shrewd and manipulative schemes of online scammers. Mr Clarke Wilson offered to send me $300 to send the package to Africa, the extra hundred would cover the shipping cost he said. I had a few other interested buyers but this one I figured was the best option due to the possibility of making a few extra bucks with the shipping of the item. I threw the PS2 in my backpack and raced down to the local post office and shipped it to Africa without so much as a second thought. Now why did I do that? To this day I still don't know. Unless payment is made upfront or you can visually see the cash never send anything anywhere and sure as hell don't send it off the continent to some third world country. The witless nature and sheer idiocracy of my actions are incomprehensibly mind numbing. So my package is somewhere between here and guam and I needed to send the MTCN shipping number to Paypal in order to be fully reimbursed, sounds great I stupidly surmised. I then received the email requesting for the appropriate shipping number so I could receive my money. I sent the MTCN # and then got a text saying paypal had wrongly deposited hundreds of dollars out of his account and this same event happened recently with his wife. My suspicions were now aroused yet I had already sent the package so surely I wanted my money back. So now I needed to send the 500 to cover the charges. Which I did, I then received an email from Paypal mentioning Clarke Wilsons account was a business account and increments of 1000 could only be taken out, so I needed to send the 700. At this point I was a little pissed off. My gut instincts told me to just walk away, I had been had, badly. But it was only another 200 and I had got tax return money back so I sent the rest of that. The next e-mail mentioned I was the weekly promo winner od 25,000. Now this sounds laughable I'm aware, but also be aware I'm out 700 dollars of my hard earned money. It looked authentic, with the pay-pay logo, they said the transaction was being monitored by some bureau of investigation. So now had to send 5,000 to cover the transaction costs and I would receive the full sum of 26,000 including the extra I owed Mr. Wilson. I walked away from the email and thinking "great, suspicions confirmed, I am now out a playstation and $700" I received a text the next day inquiring if I received the money. No I texted back, "you scammed me for 700 you filthy, heartless fucking troll, I sure hope your using my hard earned money to feed starving orphans, now go back to the church and donate 300 of it and use the rest to save lives" He of course was appalled that I was using such harsh language and offending such a benevolent cherub, a champion of the people and a kind caring soul. He inquired how much I could send.. "nothing I replied, send what you can and I'll cover the rest of the transaction charges and we can get our money he said. I then got an email saying Mr. Wilson had send 4800 through western union to cover the charges and I just needed to send the remaining 200 to credit my paypal account. Through a series of complications of the transaction and Clarke Wilson texting me trying to get me to send money to
complete the transfer. He preyed on my altruistic sentiment and saying he was
sending money too and had borrowed a lot more money,  that he was badly broke and like me left with no money now. I said it was a scam and every time he mentioned that we are not getting scammed out of our money, he promised we were getting it all back, that he had done business with this paypal customer care for years with no problem with them.

   The reason it was a Paypal email of course was due to the fact Paypal doesn't officially service Nigeria, so of course this benevolent paypal customer care team was serving the less fortunate. I was now receiving emails back saying they received the sum of $ from their client Mr. Clarke and I needed to send a certain amount of money to complete the transfer. It was a vicious cycle of despair, that self perpetuated and led to my financial ruin. I was biking 15 miles a day in cold weather with clothes that were getting ripped and now beginning to fall off all while getting repeatedly scammed by Nigerians. Of course this would happen to me? My first time selling an item on craigslist and I get owned. When I finally did the research and found out I had been horribly scammed it was a horrible feeling. One where the victim feels emotionally and mentally at a loss. I've lost a lot of money before but this one seemed so irreparably hard to accept due to the barbaric and heartless nature of the scammer and the embarrassment of the one like me being scammed.

Just walk away. I thought that many times. I couldn't do that.

These scammers, they exist for one horrible purpose, to separate you from your hard earned money.. These cons will lie, cheat and steal in the most heinous of ways by scamming the most innocent and kind hearted yet gullible people.

I once believed I was impervious to fraud as I had so little anyone whole stole my identity could hence inherit all my debt. I only write about this to have an outlet. Little did I know on that cold snowy day after I threw my playstation in my backpack, the nightmare that would unfold over a period of months. my total losses were well over $5,000. We all make stupid mistakes, trust people we should have no business trusting, the best thing I can do is learn from this. It is just another lesson in life although a very expensive one.


-Kyle Crockford

Historical proof of Jesus Christ

    Jesus Christ, the great iconoclast of his time, a polarizing figure and a lightning rod for controversy who turned every preconceived ideal once believed about the world completely upside down. He was and remains the worlds most interesting man, Jesus should replace the Dos Equis Iconic figure, "He once walked on water, raised a dead man back to life, defeated the sin of the entire world, turned water to rich vintage wine, stay thirsty my friends".  So begins our starting point, the historical figure of Jesus Christ. He certainly existed. There can be no reasonable doubt about that. His existence as a historical figure is vouched for by pagans and Christians alike. His deity and claims though are widely argued and debated on a global scale.

          

     When I hear people say "I don't believe in Jesus. I always wonder, what part of what He said do you not believe? Historically it is impossible to disprove the fact that there was once a Jewish man by the name of Jesus who was a great teacher and performed miraculous inexplicable events, was crucified circa 30 AD by Pontius Pilot. There is plenty of contemporary evidence supporting these claims as well. In the works of Josephus (Antiquities of the Jews) and works of Celsus in (Poems against the Christians) a compiled list of angry arguments attempting to prove the fallacy of Jesus divinity, works, and teachings. In one part he alluded to Jesus exorcisms and miraculous healings as being attributed to his allegiance with witchcraft and the occult. Now why would someone spend so much time and energy disproving his teachings, works and miracles, even going as far as accusing him a sorcerer and rebel ring leader of a very popular and now widespread religion if it was not backed in some semblance of reality? It doesn't make sense that a medical writer would  devote so much time and energy to provide erroneous facts about a religious leader if it wasn't true.    
                       

   There are claims out there where historians have said "Because his followers died horrible deaths and were fanatical in professing their undying love for him perhaps Jesus teachings may be true". This is straw-mans fallacy, no, to understand the real truth, it goes beyond their great sacrifice and service, but something far far more real and larger in scope. For example, there were 70 prophesies about the coming messiah alluded to in the book of Daniel. Jesus tit-for-tat fulfilled every single one of them, if you think the book of Daniel and Old Testament to be inauthentic and made up by a bunch of deluded religious fanatics, well that is just plain crazy since there is more contemporary evidence backing up these writings when the Dead Sea scrolls were discovered, these prophesies still etched on them, dated to be thousands of years before Jesus birth. How can a prophet know these things and predict someone's life so perfectly without divine enlightenment and inspiration?                        

  
    Now the Jews knew there was going to be a messiah who would eventually come and rescue them from their oppressors, overthrow the unholy empires and establish His kingdom. Now what they didn't understand was exactly how he was going to accomplish it. They assumed the messiah was going to reign here on earth. There are many Jews still to this day who believe the messiah had not yet arrived, in fact the Jewish religion still teaches this doctrine. 

    When Jesus Christ started his ministry he began fulfilling every one of the prophesies foretold about him, many times you will find Jesus saying "today among you, this prophesy has been fulfilled" or "so what is written might be fulfilled" which baffled and irritated the Jews. This ordinary placid individual who exhibited no sense of majestic or kingly appearance, who furthermore had no regard whatsoever for stringently followed Jewish customs their fathers had been following for thousands of years. A carpenter of humble birth with an ordinary name who now had a rag-tag group of low esteemed, uneducated fishermen and hated tax collectors walking around forgiving sins, performing miracles, claiming to be God's son, not to mention calling them out on every one of their cleverly concealed flaws exposing them as ridiculous, lying two faced hypocrites living a sinful facade. Of course they hated him, he was nothing like the esteemed majestic messiah who was supposedly going to launch a divinely inspired jihad, throwing over their oppressors. No this will never do! Even the hated Gentiles He was calling to his name as well. "This is ridiculous! It has gone on too far". The madness must be stopped, their bashed egos could take no more. This insurrectionist stirring up the masses must be put to death. The most heinous of tortures could only re-mediate this gross dishonor. The reason behind a complete disregard of Jewish customs was an abolishing of the old law, due to everything it represented pointing to him: the sacrifices, the shedding of an innocent lamb, the temple which  instead of an earthly tangible edifice with sin separating us from entrance, would soon be His very broken body. The veil of that temple was torn asunder upon death, He was the the human incarnate representation of the everlasting God. Jesus was in himself the picturesque representation of the spotless lamb who was to absorb the wrath that was looming over the entire world.

     The representation of a cross nowadays signifies strong religious symbolism and sentient, but two thousand years ago it meant nothing of the sort. In fact it signified the lowest state of dishonor and shame reserved for felons involved in  the most morbid of crimes. Having a cross before Jesus death would be like someone walking around with a swastika accompanied with a small graphic image of a holocaust..It'd be like "why, is this necessary?"There were a great many imposters who came before Christ claiming to be the messiah who generated followings, each and every one of them were forcibly put down and brutally crucified by the Romans. Strictly for the reason of stirring up dissension and being a blasphemous fool. There were Romans sent to arrest Jesus multiple times and found they couldn't do it returning saying "No one spoke like this man! The religious leaders in ancient Judea would unravel large manuscripts of the torah and in long winded manner drone on including all the footnotes and annotations, which bored people to tears and others to sleep. So naturally when He was finally crucified it was the inherent  human response to think "this is it", "it's been a great run but now it's over", "the gig is up another fraudulent failure has been exposed by means of crucifixion again", but this time Jesus was not crucified by the Romans but rather his own people so the prophesy written about him thousands of years prior ("he came into his own people but his own people did not receive him") might be fulfilled. This is why the resurrection is everything, like the grit and mortar in the foundation that the faith was built upon. He did marvelous works, fulfilled every prophesy written, and unlike other imposters, six feet under in the cold hard ground, his body is nowhere to be found. We know where those fraudulent messiahs are but why can't we locate the final resting place of this one?

    After the ascension this messiah reappeared to the disciples and to over 5,000; all of them emerge back into the city saying without a doubt they saw him! How can you have over 5,000 people people say that without a sliver of a doubt? Clearly there were several mentally unstable people among the masses before the ascension or even before the birth of Christ claiming to be messiahs but five thousand strong, all eyewitnesses who were not disillusioned or on happy pills. His dealing with two locals on the road to Emmaus after the ascension also struck  me as humorous, like, if any of you don't believe Jesus has a great sense of humor you're mistaken, it's as if the King of Kings has a very carefree relaxed nature, he randomly pops in on two strangers on the road who have no idea whatsoever its Jesus, while they're deep in conversation about the crucifixion, everybody knew about it here, this is big, big news, its as if ancient Judea had a news channel it'd be under the breaking news with red, highlighted "Just In--Jesus crucified by angry mob--". If the Seahawks just won the super bowl and some Seattle native has no idea, okay we get a picture of how everyone in Jersualem knows about this Great man Jesus and his death, who walks on water, he pops in on these men and whimisically replies "what is this conversation you hold as you walk" astonished they reply haven't you head of the things that have happened? and Jesus carefreely replies "what things?" as if playing devils advocate "what is this you speak of who is this man? they were absolutely astonished your a Galilean and you have no idea whats going on?  He then revealed to them every prophesy that was written so everyone could be fulfilled, imagine Jesus enlightening them to all the events that took place, from the prophesies of the old testament to now; they said there very hearts burned within them as Jesus was describing history, basically HIS-STORY. Another event that transpired was right after the apostles are huddled up , freaking out, their leader has just been brutally massacred afraid the next knock is going to be a roman centurion at the door herding them out to be staked, *boom* Jesus appears, imagine the screams of shock, then Jesus calmly replies "peace be with you" he doesn't launch into some intense theological doxolgy so they can understand what transpired its "have you anything here to eat?" as if "yes I am still a human being and I'm hungry" so they hand him a fish then after polishing it off, he begins to unravel heavens mysteries. I just can see the amazement the disciples faces agape as he's hungrily devouring the fish then wipes his face, alright gents, here's whats up: I just paid for your sins..now go tell people about it. He most likely phrased it more eloquently than that but you get the point. 

    It's strange to me how God uses the meek and unperceived, unforeseen things in the world to confound the minds and ways of the so-called wise and powerful in the world. All other empires and religions have got their power through greed and personal gain save one. Jesus knew He was the meeting point between heaven and earth and it truly is a mind trip to wrap your head around, but this  by no means infers it is too lofty an idea for our finite limited minds to grasp. Because we are representations of God himself, although fallen and tainted versions of that due to the insertion of a viral infection called sin, which has transformed and corrupted all of life and nature itself, we are the ghost in the machine, spiritual vessels incarcerated inside and controlling this very sophisticated, highly intelligent biological hardware. So because we are spiritual forms all we need is the awakening to grasp just enough understanding, not the faulty kind of understanding we often attribute, as we fancy ourselves little Gods; deities to be made much of, but as heirs awaiting the time to one-day co-author eternity , under the careful guidance of the most high. To reflect that limitlessness eternal glory, as we are now under an oppressed state of a fallen world, disillusioned many times by the powerful deceptive forces of the evil one. The veil will one day be lifted and we will see how we were meant to live at the moment of creation not as power hungry, greedy, sin filled beings pursuing sex, riches and control, which only lead to more instability and eventually mortality. Rescue and renewal is available though, the virus has finally has an anti-dote in the blood of Christ. 

  It's also interesting to me how nature has a way of exhibiting rebirth and regeneration through fire, as if the cyclical processes of nature need a way of fire and heat to occur in order to regenerate. According to a NASA article "Fire is the mechanism by which the forest is continually regenerated," states Hall. Fires consume dead, decaying vegetation accumulating on the forest floor, thereby clearing the way for new growth. Some species, such as the jack pine, even rely on fire to spread their seeds. The jack pine produces "seratonous" (resin-filled) cones that are very durable. The cones remain dormant until a fire occurs and melts the resin. Then the cones pop open and the seeds fall or blow out" I find it metaphorical in the same sense that fire and hardships promote spiritual renewal and regeneration, in that there is no regeneration or rebirth of pine tree's without fire, it is conducive to growth. It also is interesting how the eradication of a predator from a particular environment can lead to long term harmful ramifications on the ecosystem. For example wolves were thought to be harmful nuances to Yellowstone National park and were eradicated entirely over a period of years int eh early 20th century, due to this, environmentalists in the area were finding an exonential increase in the elk population which was causing the die off of other species in the area, they were also witnessing a decay of biological growth, strangely enough the beautiful Aspen tree's in the area began rotting and disappearing as well. It's as if to prove whenever anthropomorphic intrudes on an environment it throws the entire cycle of life off-kilter. Wolves are now being slowly introduced back into Yellowstone and according to the USGS strange beneficial changes are now occurring
"Previous research has claimed that the reintroduction of wolves to Yellowstone National Park in 1995 is helping restore quaking aspen in risky areas where wolves prowl." It just goes to show how even in nature you can see how the predators can be beneficial in aiding the environment itself, on the other side of the spectrum even the dark, spooky things in this world, demons, ghosts, arch-angels and fiends have a purpose to play, in order to explain I will go further in depth.  

      J.R.R Tolkien's life work was spent perfecting and illuminating 'The Lord of the Rings', enlightening us to the many wonders, of his fantasy realm 'middle earth' down to the bloodlines and genealogies of elves, dwarves and men, all the way to creating his own language, that of the elves. Hollywood has mass produced his works in several visual thrillers with special effects so stocked full of impetus energy it dazzles and dizzies you. But what gets missed beneath the visual stunning allure of all the special effects is the allegorical representations and hidden meanings Tolkien places in each and every chapter of that book. Like JK Rowlings was getting at in her famous series was that same understood concept; that sometimes in order to fix a problem you have to dig into the very heart and ugly core of the issue.

     In regards to "Gollum" Frodo mentions: Because of "all those horrible deeds" that Gollum has done, "He deserves death." Gandalf replies, "Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. I have not much hope that Gollum can be cured before he dies, but there is a chance of it." "Sméagol's life is a sad story. Yes, Sméagol he was once called. Before the Ring found him… before it drove him mad." Frodo: "It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance!" Gandalf: "Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise can not see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill…" Gandalfs recitations here remind me that even the evil dark things, the unfriendlies who make there whereabouts while they murk about in this world have yet a part to play, for the makers will, whither willing or un-willing, most likely the latter, still yet,  have a part to play in the grand scheme of this precious tapestry we call 'life'

   Despite all the illusions present in the world, you can peer underneath to see the silver lining, we get captivated by novels of magical lore, but this is all indeed a very part of the truth, look no further than Tolkiens representations: Gandalf, a christ representative, standing in the way of the balrog and falling to the pit, coming back as stronger than ever; the hobbits journey to middle earth seemed like a fools mission: if he slipped up just once the whole future of the world would fall into blackness and terror. He had to journey in the very heart of the enemy's stronghold to overcome it; one that took a death of a being (once pure) defiled, wretched and tainted by sins curse (Gollum). In this case the heart of the problem was (violance, torture and fear). Everything has a metaphor, underlying meaning and covert agenda one is trying to push on you; sometimes you have to peel back the veils to understand the worldview of the one telling you. In the Bible the cross was mount doom, the ring Gods grace, because sometimes in order to fix a problem you have to dig into the very heart and ugly core of the issue.

     If you happen to have some degree of interest in literary works of fantasy, you will find a common theme littered throughout. That theme is one of self-sacrifice. In many great novels a propitiatory measure is being taken to ensure greater good. Ingrained in our very DNA is a strive for means of happiness outside ourselves, one we cant fully understand or comprehend yet are inherently aware we possess. All of us could agree there is something wrong with the world and ourselves that elicits the need for fulfillment in other concepts: whither they be ideals of grandeur, emotional gratification or stimulants. The current underlying theme of  these all is the need for a sublime figure to restore peace. A champion of justice to do what is deemed most honorable. You will find it in movies as well: In Batman, Christian Bale absorbs a grenade for helpless Gotham. In 300, Leonidas takes the famous stand, dying so that Sparta can be free. Will Smith in 'I am legend' screaming behind the glass that he has the cure yelling "your sick! I can save you!" yet to no avail, as he himself takes the grenade so a mother and child could escape to safety. In JK Rowlings popular series, you find Harry Potter dying so that Hogswart could be free.Well there was one hero these stories are so desperately attempting to understand: the kind of joy and satisfaction from a powerful force that sacrifices for the many. It is the silver lining in most every revered literary work down to the works of Charles Dickens; in one of many of his classic works: "A Tale of Two Cities": Sydney Carton exchanges places with his wrongfully convicted friend whose features uncannily resemble his own the night before he was sentenced to be guillotined. This apparent 'dishonor', egregious exchange of one's life for another's out of honor. whither sub-consciously or intentionally, we all find fulfilling, it can be attributed to a emotion that strikes our sentiment with mysticism and awe.

     The real hero of these fantasies and myths we get so enraptured is alive and well today the very one who came down and wallowed in the pig sty with with the worst of us, just so that you and I could experience life unending with the best of us. All these myths and stories do is a create a piece of imaginative awe that can only be fully fulfilled one day in him. A life untainted from the deadly confines of this unhealthy incarceration. Life, hope, joy unending are there for the taking because of one persons birth and sacrifice. Even Lucifer himself was there on that dark day, that wily devil of old he thought he had it all figured out, thought he knew how to usurp his throne, but there was one thing he didn't know. Indeed no one becomes less like God than one who tries to be God and the one part that is a part of God himself that could not be obtained outside of God himself was love, and this he now lacked to the highest degree, now he knew God had undermined him and Gods love  something Lucifer never had, now he knew he could never care about people the way Jesus did, as he know sees him tattered, torn and beaten, struggling with a cross, surrounded by a mob of people drunkenly shouting and jeering as the blood ran down his face, no this was a love he could never understand or exude.  And just maybe The Son of God's heart echoed the same sentient of Sydney Carton awaiting execution, knowing his broken body was the meeting point between heaven and earth as he stumbles on Calvary's rocky slopes with the weight of a cross "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."

      

Is Romance dead?

    I was without my phone today...all of a sudden in one gushy moment--it hit me--No snapchat, facebook, instagram, email, texting--it's abyssal moments like these that you asking the deep soul searching questions that matter most "Do I even wanna live anymore?" "Is there a God?" We've all become so dependent on cell phones these days, we have to remind ourselves, reality happens outside of what goes on in a little box.

   Tinder reports over 25 million matches a day. The numbers are mind boggling and enormous. The story is really about sex and hookups. In 1950 you'd have to hold a 2-part phone to your ear and ask the ladies dad permission to speak with her lovely daughter with sweat dripping down your forehead. These days we can order up a human being in the same way we can order up pad thai on an app. We think intimacy lies in a perfectly-executed emoji. We think effort is a “good morning” text. We say romance is dead, because maybe it is, but maybe we just need to reinvent it. Maybe romance in our modern age is putting the phone down long enough to look in each other’s eyes at dinner. Maybe romance is deleting Tinder off your phone after an incredible first date with someone. Maybe romance is still there, we just don’t know what it looks like now. When we choose, if we commit, we are still one eye wandering at the options. We want the beautiful cut of filet mignon, but we’re too busy eyeing the mediocre buffet, because "choice". Because choice. Our choices are killing us. We think choice means something. We think opportunity is good. We think the more chances we have, the better. But, it makes everything watered-down. Never mind actually feeling satisfied, we don’t even understand what satisfaction looks like, sounds like, feels like. We’re one foot out the door, because outside that door is more, more, more. We don’t see who’s right in front of our eyes asking to be loved, because no one is asking to be loved. We long for something that we still want to believe exists. Yet, we are looking for the next thrill, the next jolt of excitement, the next instant gratification.

    We soothe ourselves and distract ourselves and, if we can’t even face the demons inside our own brain, how can we be expected to stick something out, to love someone even when it’s not easy to love them? We bail. We leave. We see a limitless world in a way that no generation before us has seen. We can open up a new tab, look at pictures of Portugal, pull out a Visa, and book a plane ticket. We don’t do this, but we can. The point is that we know we can, even if we don’t have the resources to do so. There are always other tantalizing options. Open up Instagram and see the lives of others, the life we could have. See the places we’re not traveling to. See the lives we’re not living. See the people we’re not dating. We bombard ourselves with stimuli, input, input, input, and we wonder why we’re miserable. We wonder why we’re dissatisfied. We wonder why nothing lasts and everything feels a little hopeless. Because, we have no idea how to see our lives for what they are, instead of what they aren’t. 

    We are always on to the next. Searching for the elusive more. The next fix. Living our lives in 140 characters, 5 second snaps, frozen filtered images, zippy memes, four minute movies, attention here, attention there. More as an illusion. We worry about settling, all the while making ourselves suffer thinking that anything less than the shiny, happy filtered life we’ve been accustomed to is settling. What is settling? We don’t know, but we freaking don’t want it. If it’s not perfect, it’s settling. If it’s not glittery filtered love, settling. If it’s not Pinterest-worthy, settling.

"We realize that this ‘more we want’ is a lie."

We want phone calls. We want simplicity. We want a life that does not need the validation of likes, favorites, comments, upvotes. We may not know yet that we want this, but we do. We want connection, true connection. We want a love that builds, not a love that gets discarded for the next hit. We want to come home to people. We want to lay down our heads at the end of our lives and know we lived well, we lived life to its fullest. This is what we want even if we don’t know it yet.

    Romance, or as it is awkward to say nowdays, is old and foreign, it conjures up images of blouses, gentlemen in hats and awkward carriage rides.  It used to entail a lovesick boy pouring his heart out over a tear stained parchment , the quill in his hand shaking, rendering the ink slightly blotched  “I miss your tender embrace and melodious voice, darling you are all that is sweet and fair in the world when I think back to how we first met; holding you in my awkward arms, I still see your comely features smiling blissfully back, whatever befalls me in this rugged mess, some call life, you will forever and always be the best thing that ever happened to me, we mesh like lavender and lace, you are the captain to my ship, the key to my heart. I miss you more than I could ever describe my lovely Susannah” -Her heart flutters as her eyes well up with unbridled joy, she stifles a sob, clasps her breasts and briskly fans her contorted face for no other reason than dramatic affect as tears begin to slowly roll off her rosy cheeks, his words had been like a hot iron searing some ulcer deep within her soul. The grip on the parchment becomes less clinched it drops to the floor and raw emotion takes over;  it flows in waves she staggers, clutching the porch pillar to stabilize for emotional support.  Nowadays there is an occasional “sup babe” or a snapchat of dinner. 

    Now that we can text, skype or face time anyone in the world it allows for this narcissistic self-entitled feel. I mean I don't know, I'm not really good with technology. All this button and whatnot. I mean you can just imagine based on what's happened the last 15 years. Conversations won't happen 10 years from now. There aren't going to be people to talk to. its going to be like this (pushes buttons). 'Do you want to go out on a date with me?' 'I don't know, what do you look like?' 'Well I look kind of like this.' 'OK, what are your interests?' 'Well, what do you think my interests are? Looking into this thing and typing into this just like yours are.' 'Yeah, no kidding, that's what everybody's doing.' 'Well, where do you want to go?' 'Well, what  difference does it make? Because all we're going to be doing is looking into machines anyways.' Well, that's true and in the end it's going to be tough to perpetuate the species. There's no question about that. So we're all going to look in this box and eventually be extinct. That's how it ends." That's where the decline begins.

    Now I regress..If you once again could go back deep in time, before the baby boomers, the great depression, before people in Japan starting cutting off people's heads and you somehow ended up in the 21st century, you would think we'd all have lost our minds..And someone says "So what'd you see?" "There is an infestation of crazy! They're all using these weird solid rectangular objects, then staring and laughing into them, smiling then turning it around and even putting it up to their ear and talking to no one in the room! There must have been nuclear waste that seeped out of the substrate,  let's go back before the virus hit, and then *whoop* you're back plowing fields with horses and cutting wheat with a scythe with no desire to travel back to the future where all the crazy people live. People are becoming more self-entitled these days due to technology. Picture Lewis and Clarke  scaling the last peak of the rocky mountains in a blizzard and finally reaching the gorgeous scenery outlining the Columbia River Basin. They would've felt like they conquered the world or just won the Super Bowl,,This is it, months of arduous labor and rigid documentary, the nation will be amazed...Now days we can pass over the continental divide and lake Michigan in one snooze and then when arriving to our destination bitch about the layover in Denver..Oh you had to wait another 20 minutes? Did you participate in one of the amazing modern miracles of aviation and flight? Did you sit in a seat as you breached the cumulonimbus layer and flew like a bird through the air? We are living in an amazing age of discovery and technology let's all just stop and take a moment to appreciate it:)

The harsh winter I spent on the Palouse..

"Harsh lands lie before him as he struggles to keep his wits, malicious thoughts incept him, cripppling the moral of his spirit, shattered visons  begin to transpire, an awful naustalgia consumes him, a crooked smile forms, so began the fall of a mastermind, realizing as his mind falls to pieces they are but catalysts, parts of a puzzle to a different plan, as the images surface his virtue descends..Living amongst those barbarians, though a fierce complication, there tack was that of a wounded creature and they were overrun, i remain in exhile, my bones grow weak like the sun descending into the tree's to end this daily affliction, as winter shows its palid face, the earth veils with marble frost, forsaken...this gradual madness consumes my mind..So began the fall of a mastermind.."    This excerpt  is how I would like to begin the tale of my trials on the wintry slopes of the palouse. It was not an easy underraking arriving back to pullman in a snowstorm after my adventure to oklahoma, I was pulled over the night before  under conviction of intoxication and spent my night outside an abandoned house in Cle' Elum Washingotn shivering for warmth rubbing together a packet of handwarmers in order to ward off the cold and elude hypothermia. The temperature reading on my phone read 13 degree's right before it shut off. Even my phone had abandoned me on this forlorn worst night of my life and all my blankets were left the car. I got my vehicle back the next morning from the impound lot after being socked for a wad by a hefty fee...a fee I had reserved to pay rent that month. Upon arriving to Pullman I was greeted with the icy blast of winter's unforgiving chill. I was penniless and broke. I had saved a friend from a bad situation but now I was fighting for sustenance and survival. A note the next morning appeared posted on my sliding glass door threatening eviction. At least I still have my car I mused. My car was the ol' reliable I had had it for the last 3 years and it was still chugging along despite several setbacks..The hood was replaced after I hit a deer the summer before, the back end damaged after a collision, the front fender bent out and held together by boards, this thing was a real piece of work and I christened it "frankie" short for frankenstein for it's scheer and hideous ugliness. I knew the tranny was starting to go mainly based on the fact I had to floor the accelerator all while observing diesel semi's pass me while I was 'flint stoning' my ass up an incline. Yet it got me to work and back for the last 2 weeks of Novemeber all until the first week of December. I was driving back from work in a rainstorm and noticed a car pulled over to the side of the road its blinking emergency flashers arrested my attention as I slowed down, I strongly  considered  helping out right after I glanced down and noticed my battery light was on, *uh-oh* this can only mean one thing, praying this wasn't the case I thought well forget the car! I just hope my serpentine belt hasn't slipped again, about one mile past my engine thermostat was way in the red, I pulled over snapped open the hood and gagged on a plume of protruding smoke, surely *cough* hack *wheeze* this can't be happening...not here...not now, not again the storm raged on unabated and the rain hit my face as I lurched back toward the car fumbling around for a flashlight, I found one I had kept under the door handle and flicked it on to closer observe the situation at hand..yepp sure as shit, my worst fear had come true, my S-belt had slipped off again, well I was out of AAA tows and my phone was at 15% clearly on life support I phoned my friend Faustino who came over and gave me a lift back. My car on the other hand was left on the side of the road like a sad lonely remnant of my once fleet method of transportation. I was under the impression the car could remain there for 48 hours w/o federal probing or investigation, turns out my facts were wrong.    On the morning of December 3rd, the  second day after my car had been abandoned, I biked the 4 miles over to it with a S-belt wrench in hand hoping to fix it up enough to chug-along to my place of residence.  I still remember that cold bitter feeling that hit me upon arriving at the vacated spot where my car once was,...It was gone...gone! I sat there on my bike seat  amidst the falling snow and piercing wind as it whipped my numb face gripping the guard rail for emotional support in complete mesmerated shock and awe...no! why! This isn't happening!  Say it aint so! It's gone! I called the police department and they said they picked it up no more than a half hour prior..I was 30 minutes too late! If I hadnt thrown that eggo in the toaster and started a batch of coffee maybe I would have  made it! Now my lolly-gagging around and late morning start would cost me. I quickly phoned the tow company all the while on my way to work explaining my dire circumstances and begging for a requittal. Unfortuanately there was nothing they could do. I was depressed as an eeyore in winnie the pooh as I biked into work, the glum feeling permeated me and followed me around like an ominous dark cloud refusing to depart. I would have to pay $400 that I did not have to get it back plus the impound fee. A quick financial observation made me realize there was no way I could save frankie. Frankie was doomed as well was I. This was my fate I was flummoxed and perplexed. Eventually I decided to forgoe the attempt to get frankie out of the impound lot and instead attempt to scrap it for what it was worth, turns out it wasn't much, best I could get out fo it was $100 from some random self employed auto rpair junkie who attended auctions, I agreed to it and paid the towing fee of 300 in addition to the removal of the car.        I biked to work for the next month is weather that barely crept above 35 degrees, 15 miles a day and sometimes over a solid sheet of ice all the while wondering if I had lost my mind completely..Naw I was paying for my faults, for my lazy non-chalaunt care free behavior surely this is what I deserve I rationalized. Many times I'd show up to work completely soaked unable to retain sensation to my toes or face. I'd de-thaw in the back room as concerned co-workers brought me piping hot coffee. My starbucks family was the reason that kept me going it was like having a second family, they all looked out for each other and many times when I got off at 9 after pre-close one or two of them would offer me a ride back home, although I initially refused they insisted and I accepted. On one particular day, when there was 6 inches of snow on the ground amidst a raging blizzard I got off at 9 and a co-worker amanda drove back and picked me up saying there was no way she was letting me leave work back to pullman..She knew I was strong-headed and resented help, but she was peresistent and came back and picked me up, I popped the back tire off to my bike and she lifted me the 8 miles back to pullman. On the steep hill to my apt though her car gave out and we found ourselves surprisingly drifting sideways down the hill..."awh let me out I said I don't want you to risk any more" she agreed and I got out and folllowed a trail alongside the road up a steep embankment, bike in tow to my place, I slipped several times all while grasping my bike and struggling up the steep ravine. At any particular moment I could have slipped and went *ploop* clear off the edge. It was wayy easier traversing this shortcut w/o 6 inches of snow on the ground. But I eventually made it up safe and sound.    On many occasions I actually enjoyed my commute to work I'd bundle up roll up my black khaki's bast the knee line of my my underlining white thermals throw on a scarf and bike to work. I'm sure I looked rediculous but who cares, at least I wasn't freezing and could feel my face. the Icy palouse terrain was indeed quite beautiful and I was enjoying amazing scenerery and crisp fresh air few other's would understand. On one particular commute to work I hit an icy patch and slid clear off my bike headlong into a wooden bridge support my out stretched hand bracing the fall connected with the pillar and I heard an unsettling *snap* my finger was swollen and bruised, as I got back on he bike. About a mile later I slid off again and my ass hit the icy turf with an abrupt bounce. I must have broken my ass bone by the searing pain I soon after expiereinced, my middle finger was the size of an enlarged penis and my ass felt like jelly. Soon after  my bike gears starting clicking out of gear and I spent the next half hour traversing the last two miles. This was the most physically and mentally exhausting ride of my life. Ugh, if only  they had a  bus connecting the two cities my life would be so much easier. I arrived to work feeling like I went 9 rounds on the losing end of a  UFC fight. Yet this was all okay because my spirits were still high.    Now it is April and I found a second job working as a server at Fireside Bar and Grille to supplement my income and earn enough $ to pay court fee's as well as a sleugh of other bills. Life's not easy but by the grace of God I continue trucking, now spring weather has arrived and the undulating rolling hills of the palouse are green. The tree's outside my house are blooming with white and pink flowers and it brings rest to my unsteady soul. Life is better than I expected. And I am doing far better than I deserve:) Good night everyone -signing off for the night -Kyle Crockford